What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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