That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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