Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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