I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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