when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
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So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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