ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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