I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
