i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
