I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
