spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
