Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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