I am in a vortex of obligation.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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