she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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