I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
