he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
