Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
