At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
