well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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