The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
