I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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