he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
well you can't waste a boner
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
