I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
