What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
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I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
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i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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