How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize