imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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