the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
