i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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