I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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