I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
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stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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