sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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