dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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