I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
