I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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