I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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