I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
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