if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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