My first STD was from a foam party
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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