I hate all girls vehemently.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
