If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
