If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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