currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
