Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
