why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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