I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
