When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
