We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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