she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
