im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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