I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
