just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
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I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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