if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
