Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
