I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I supernannyed him into submission
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
