Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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