Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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