I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
