Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
